Groundhog Day

The groundhog may have said we're in for six more weeks of winter, but inside my soul spring is stirring. The ground is thawing, and I'm aware of some dry earth in need of "mois-tening" as my sweet friend Pixie puts it. It may be dry but it is fertile ground within, and after a weekend with my very own personal muses, the Elements, I'm excited and inspired to dig in.

I've decided to revive my blog; for now, the purpose is to give me a canvas of some sort to watch my creative journey, and this year I intend to keep it pretty much focused on the many varied creative stirrings. I expect you'll hear about the belated-birthday sweater I'm pushing to finish for my beloved (whose blog-name I've not yet chosen) even as I curse myself for thinking it clever to present a gift in pieces. You'll also hear about the adventurous retreat I'm taking in June to Squam Art Workshop in New Hampshire, where I'll revel for three whole days in all things fiber. Along the way, I might share some particular inspirations in the kitchen or at the sewing table, and you might even get to see and read about what comes of my luscious trip to the art supply store - a branch of creativity that I am not familiar or comfortable with at all, but that I somehow feel inspired to dip my toes into.

I'm not promising anything. Keeping up a blog can be trying for me at times. But the possibilities...

Priority Shift

I'm a few weeks into my 100-mile food challenge, and I am nowhere near eating 100% local. But my awareness is growing keen, and for better or for worse, I am ten times more conscious of my food-miles than I was before I started.

Descartes is overwhelmed at work and feeling sick and tired all the time, and I want to help him at least hang onto some health, give him lots of options for quick, healthy foods that he can pack with him, or eat in front of the fridge when he's in between jobs. If I can stave off his recent habit of downing boxes of Cheez-Its, sandwich cookies and pizza, I do believe he'll feel a little better.

So last night after he'd gone to bed (at 9pm) I made a list of foods I planned to buy, and I emailed it to him (yes, I really did) for approval, which he gave. I thought of every good/quick food I could, being mindful of foods he won't eat - like meat or bone broth, or most things containing coconut - and foods I won't buy - soy and sugar. Here is my list:

hard-boiled eggs
apples, pears, oranges, bananas
raw veggies - sliced peppers, cherry tomatoes, celery and carrot sticks, cucumber slices, etc.
cottage cheese, mild cheddar & monterey jack cheese, string cheese
nuts (will be soaked and dried)
smoked salmon (Descartes makes this every year for Thanksgiving and it's delicious! we'll make extra this week)
hummus (homemade)
spicy bean dip (homemade)
salsa
corn chips
whole wheat bread
canned tuna/salmon
veggie soups (homemade and packed in single-serving tupperware)
whole-grain crackers

(After much hemming and hawing, I removed "smoothies" because these actually take time to prepare, which is unlikely to happen anytime soon, and because the way I make smoothies nutritious drinks (rather than liquid sugar) is the addition of coconut oil, raw milk (yogurt, kefir or coconut milk will also work), raw egg yolks, and both veggies and fruit. This will probably not go over well, since Descartes is still very much afraid of raw dairy and raw eggs.)

Anyway, you can bet I was a happy girl when I got the OK for this list, and I set out today to fill the kitchen with healthy fast food. I quickly realized that this trip would be a real departure from recent trips to the store, in that buying local wasn't going to be my only priority today. So far, if I've wanted something that can't be found locally, I've gone without. But going without for Descartes means leaning back on Cheez-Its and the like. So my priority was 1) local, 2) organic, 3) the best version I could buy, preferably from a small company. I ended up buying probably 25% local (but probably 50% in-state), and maybe 65% organic. All in all, it wasn't my ideal trip to the store, but if I can help get Descartes back on his feet, well, I suppose that's one of my highest priorities.

As I was looking for a picture to go along with this post, I found a cartoon of the earth with a heating pad on its head and a thermometer in its mouth...I wish all my priorities could be happily met without feeling that one has sacrificed another.

When Food Isn't Fun

I'm on yet another leg of my long journey with food. A couple weeks ago I read this book on the recommendation of a new chiropractor, who told me that I've been eating too many fermented foods (could it be my favorite summer lunch of salami, cheese, olives and pickles?) and that I have some food allergies that are interfering with my digestion and organ functions. Rad! So I'm on Day 12 of an elimination diet to figure out what foods cause reactions. I've also taken a blood test to determine the same thing, and I should have results back in the next few days.

What does all this mean? Well, for the last 12 days (since an absolutely gluttonous weekend including two birthday parties and a wedding) it has meant no dairy, eggs, gluten, soy, peanuts, corn, or sugar. It has meant lots of yummy vegetables, some fruits, and some meat and rice. It has meant that meals out with colleagues or friends have generally veered toward sausage and potatoes with fruit for breakfast, or sushi with salad for dinner. I know, if it has the word "sushi" in it, it can't be all bad! Well, it's been all right. Lemon juice is a surprisingly tasty substitute for soy sauce on my Rock'n'Roll.

But I miss some of the foods that I've been eating a lot of this year, in order to build up a good supply of Vitamins A, D, & K2 and healthy fats before we start trying to conceive a babe of our own: namely, my beloved raw milk, butter and cheese, and the dozen organic pastured eggs we still get weekly from our CSA. These foods have helped me feel healthy this year, although I have carried a layer of fat on my body that appears to be melting away, and which according to the book I read is not fat, but water that the body retains to protect from molecules of foods it isn't digesting well. Which makes me sad that maybe these foods that I love are doing harm as well as good and may need to be minimized or even eliminated. Sure, I'm still taking my cod liver oil a few times a week, and I put coconut oil in where I can, but I've slacked off on the bone broths and I need to pick up some liverwurst to make up for all the vitamins I'm not getting from the surprisingly Standard American Diet this book has me following.

(If you haven't been following this blog so far, and are wondering what the hell kind of food I'm eating and why, visit this website to find out more.)

So, why this post then? Well, I guess I'm having a bit of a rant as I anticipate once again having a limiting relationship with food. One of the most healing aspects of this year of traditional foods, has been that I've let go of a lot of my rigidity and isolation around food. I've felt more free to eat what is given to me with gratitude, to become more connected to the food I buy, and to be much more open and adventurous with what I eat. I feel a joyful relationship to food again, for the first time in such a long time...and I'm afraid that having real live food allergies finally diagnosed will throw all this into chaos again, at least for a while. I have long known that gluten makes my intestines swell and...well, other GI problems further down the tube. I have long known that dairy makes my body puffy and my nose stuffed. (This has been better since I've switched to raw, but it hasn't gone away completely.) I guess I just hoped that someday my body would get used to those foods and stop causing trouble, and that maybe if I supplemented my GI system with the wonderful microbes from lacto-fermented foods and such, that I would be okay. Well, I guess we'll see what ultimately has to happen, and I intend to work very hard to maintain my joy of food, because food is friggin' awesome and so much fun!

If you live with food allergies, I want to hear about it! How do you deal with it, get around it, not let it come between you and your connection to your food and food sources? Whether you do or not, I'd like to hear from you. I could use some advice and propping up. :)

Refusing To Choose

The last month has been characterized by a sort of emotional/spiritual malaise that has settled on my soul like dead weight. I haven't been motivated to do much beyond what's necessary; nothing has ignited excitement or passion lately. Work leaves me flat, and a bit worried. I've always felt like I had to find THE THING that I'd want to do for the rest of my life, and then do it with absolute dedication and focus. The problem? I have gone through two and a half careers that I loved for a year or five, then lost interest in. Is that happening again? I'm too old to keep changing careers! But I don't want to spend the majority of my week doing something that I don't enjoy...

A couple weeks ago I pulled Barbara Sher's book Refuse To Choose off the shelf. Her books have meant a lot to me over the years; when I was ready to leave acting I didn't know what I wanted to do next, and her books I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was and Live The Life You Love were exactly the books I needed to get my bearing and move forward.

Refuse To Choose is about a particular type of person that Barbara calls a Scanner: a kind of modern-day renaissance person, who loves exploring all sorts of different interests but who often gets bored easily and moves at various rates of speed from one subject (and/or career) to another. All my life I've considered myself flawed because I often become obsessed with something and study everything I can get my hands on about that subject...for a few weeks, or months, or maybe years. Once I've reached a certain level of competency or understanding, I usually lose all that passion and feel restless to find the next thing that will consume me. It's been a source of embarrassment for me, feeling that I can't finish things...that I never stick something out until I achieve mastery...that my life is full of half-done projects...stacks of half-read books...I've felt like a failure in many ways.

This book has turned my perspective on its head! For the first time ever, I don't feel ashamed of this pattern of mine. I don't feel like every interest has to be turned into a career, or that it's not worth delving into if I can't make money at it. That's surprisingly liberating! So I've started doing some things that I enjoy, just for the enjoyment and just for as long as I find them enjoyable. The upshot? Work feels lighter and more interesting, which is a bit of a relief even though I'm also opening myself to the possibility that I work best when I do a few things part-time, creating an stimulating and varied workweek. I feel lighter and more interested in learning just for the sake of it.

So, I'm learning Irish Gaelic, hearing all I can from Glen Hansard, The Frames, and Interference after seeing the sweet Irish film Once last week, making tasty Coconutty Cubes (see recipe below) so I can get my daily dose of coconut oil, writing a bit of a song on the mandolin, and allowing myself to dream freely about trips abroad. Next week I'd like to finally get a few aprons made, and I think I may let my knitting project sit tight until fall, when knitting seems more in season.

Coconutty Cubes
Mix together some coconut oil (get good quality, organic, virgin, unrefined) and some dehydrated coconut with a bit of cocoa powder or carob powder and a dash of sweetener like maple syrup, honey or stevia. Mix well and spoon into an ice cube tray, and leave overnight to solidify. The end-product is chewy and sweet, and in my tray one cube provides about 2T of coconut oil. Yum! For information about the myriad health benefits of coconut, read this!

Back On Track

Our show is finally open, and receiving lots of praise so far which makes us all feel good. It's been an exhilarating and exhausting process - two weeks of intense labor, if you will - and I'm so lucky to have cast and crew who have never tired of making changes or additions to better the show. What more could a director ask for?

But I'll admit, my body and soul need some time off. I literally haven't eaten a single meal at home for two weeks, and am totally off-track of my traditional food commitment. I tried to eat well overall, but still ended up having too much pasta and Jamba Juice. I look forward to cleaning our disaster of a kitchen and getting back to simple meals, lovingly made by me and/or Descartes. I look forward to re-establishing a daily yoga practice and having Thursday nights free again, so I can return to my weekly yoga class with my wonderful teacher. Hopefully it's not too late to plant my summer vegetable and herb garden, which has been completely neglected this spring. I've got to get back to the sewing machine and finish the apron I started for Julie, for her bridal shower. Basically, I've got a huge yearning to get back to domestic simplicity now that the creative baby I've carried for the last six months has finally arrived.

How do you get back on track when life has taken you off into the clover?

Bacteria Soup Makes Things Better

I'm in a funk. Down in the depths on the ninetieth floor, to quote an old standard. What's wrong? Nothing, exactly. Just a lot of old junk surfacing and needing acknowledgment. My poor boyfriend! (I think I'll call him Descartes on this blog) I'm snarky and angry and easily ticked off. But I'm learning not to shy away from these feelings, because they just can't continue to be pushed down any longer; I need to feel, express, and release them finally. It ain't fun, but it's real. Eckhart Tolle says that these feelings are the pain-body taking over and feeding on my misery, and that conscious observation will start to take its power away. Robert Ibrahim Jaffe, MD said in one of his talks that expressing feelings is crucial to regaining health and freeing the heart to be more loving. Hm. Have to see what works best for me now.

Descartes is a very creative cook (and an all-around very cool guy). He can take pretty much any combination of ingredients from the fridge and cupboard and make a great meal. For this I am grateful, and I may share some of his cool non-recipes here.

The bright spot in my day: I'm currently nurturing my first batch of sourdough starter. I think this is the coolest thing - harvesting bacteria and yeast in my own house to make something delicious. How weird is that??? Whoever thought of such a thing? But I'm hoping to have a big bowl of bacteria soup by the end of the week, with which to make some delicious bread. I think I'll bring a loaf to my dear friend Pixie who we're visiting this weekend. I know a good dose of bread and Pix will cure any funk I'm in. I'll post the results of my starter later in the week.

What lifts you up when you're down in the dumps?